I read my little notebook which I have been keeping since Form 3 the other day and was amazed how I managed to achieve whatever I was working towards back then. I even convinced myself that I was deeply in love with some of the most boring subjects on earth and talked myself out of any negative thoughts I ever had which blocked me from success.
So why is it that I have become such a pathetic person, whinning all day about my work and looking to escape from responsibilities whenever possible? When have I started to use up my Monday to Friday wishing that weekend will come and when weekend does come I spent it lying dead on my bed? And what makes someone who once got up at 7am without an alarm clock even on holidays, someone who felt desperate to fill up every single day with sth meaningful and exciting, now no longer wish to plan ahead and just linger on the streets not knowing where to go on a sunny afternoon?
Is it because I now have a choice? I can live at ease for the next 50 years without much hard work. So case closed? Or may be even the highest positions attainable in my current job fail to attract me? Yes you may end up earning a lot but so what there are so many people in a similar role and you compete for one deal and then the next one and when you die - okay do you expect people to write on your tombstone that you have done deals X, Y and Z?
But sometimes I doubt if anything at all matters anymore. What is the problem of simply going to work every day, do whatever you are told to do, then get back early, and have a sweet relaxing time at home with family, see your kids grow, read some good books/ watch some good movies/ look at some art pieces/ discover some new knowledge just for the pleasure of it alone (in general enjoying the precious gems of what others have left over the past centuries - how lucky we are), see the world and travel to places you haven't been to once in a while, be close to nature, and just have some laughters and shed some tears before you leave?
Then the bible story came to my mind - am I the servant who has been given 1000 coins and am I now choosing to hide them in the ground while others put their 5000 and 2000 coins to use?
Zodiac signs claim that people who are born on my day are all very harsh to themselves, or am I actually being too lenient? My repeated attempts to drag myself out of this lazy-comfy mudflat have all failed. And I am not giving up. Some opportunities emerging in the field and I am still in search of my purpose...
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